Living intentionally

It’s 7:18am on January 2nd and I am trying to decide when my “cleanse” or “detox” or whatever you want to call it for January will actually start. Last year I started the “Clean Cleanse” with my husband (his idea) on January 2nd. His brother had talked him into it and he had to preorder it online. It came in a box and was basically 2 shakes a day for breakfast and dinner, supplements and then a guideline for what you could eat for lunch. Basically, it eliminated alcohol, sugars, gluten, soy and dairy, yadda, yadda. I had been planning to do my usual clean eating in January, basically cutting out all of the above but eating real food – no shakes -but I could tell he wanted me to help support him and I was excited that he was willing to go that long without alcohol so I willingly went along with it. The interesting thing was how my usually social husband became a little bit of a recluse during the cleanse. I am usually super happy to lay low with few social plans, especially January, but he turned down multiple invitations, even for casual dinners with neighborhood friends, during our cleanse. He even agreed to play Monopoly with me and our kids one Sunday night and afterwards said “so, is this what people do when they aren’t drinking?” Ha! I secretly was in heaven that he was not drinking because he seemed to be more engaged with me and our kids during the evenings and less anxious about making plans (to drink) on the weekends. It was a very subtle change because it’s not like he is out getting wasted every night or at all. It’s more like a gentle buzz and slow disconnect. Without his usual cocktail and/or glass of wine he just seemed more present and less irritable and quick to flare if the kids started acting up or we were talking about a hot topic. And I was really enjoying the excuse not to drink and not have the pressure of him planning social events that centered around drinking. I had given up drinking for short periods before, usually a month or two at a time, in an effort to lose weight, usually those stubborn 10 lbs that have plagued me over the years and keep me from feeling my very best. I would cut alcohol and eat really clean and drop the weight and then feel compelled to slowly add back in the alcohol in an effort to “live in moderation” and not be one of those people who are “extreme” or who stand out socially because they don’t drink and sit sadly in a corner while the rest of us are living it up and having FUN. Low and behold, the weight would come back very quickly because with the alcohol would also come the other foods that I had cut out. They are tied together for me, food and alcohol. Probably a self preservation skill learned in college to avoid bad hangovers. Eat when you drink. Unfortunately, it’s much harder to manage a healthy weight in middle age than it was in college, though. Again, I didn’t want to be “that girl” who was always eating healthy and not drinking. I began to realize that part of my identity was being the girl who was a gamer, who could drink and have fun but not get too buzzed and who could eat healthy most of the time but let my hair down and have a fully loaded hot dog when the occasion called for it and not be racked with guilt because I wasn’t about just being skinny but, instead, I was focused on health and balance and lifestyle. Balance. Moderation. Fun. Live and let live. Connection and camaraderie. Woohoo! These were my mantras. Giving up drinking entirely or really sticking to my health goals even when it wasn’t convenient socially did not fit in with my identity, AT ALL. Going on a one month cleanse? No problem. People understand that. They give you a hall pass. Giving up alcohol and eating really clean for longer periods, like 6 months or indefinitely? Well, that’s just weird and extreme and kind of unrelatable! As I neared the end of my month long cleanse I started to think, “what if…?” What if I kept going? What if I didn’t start drinking at the end of the cleanse? If so, how long should I go? Because I didn’t think I wanted to give it up forever. I wanted to keep that door open. At least a crack. So I eventually decided to not make any big proclamations. Rather, I would just not start drinking without any big news flash or public statements. Maybe just on vacation but not at home. The problem is that people notice. One of our good friends who we hadn’t seen in awhile asked me in a bar if he could get me something to drink and I said “seltzer with lime” to which he responded by yelling “Why, ARE YOU PREGNANT?!” Seriously? (I’m 47). Is that the only other socially acceptable reason or explanation for not drinking, other than a cleanse? Apparently, it was not so easy to fly under the radar. People want explanations to which there is no quick one. And when you start to explain you really start to feel like a huge buzz kill and you secretly worry that at some point when you have a drink in your hand down the road they will see you and think “what? Now she’s drinks again?” So your damned if you do and damned if you don’t explain. If in doubt, “I’m on a cleanse” seemed always to be the best and most socially acceptable response (unless we decide to get pregnant again). At this point I was just seeing how long I could keep going because I really felt great. I hadn’t really lost any weight over the cleanse but I didn’t care because I just felt better and calmer and pretty darn proud of myself. At that point, I had a couple trips planned, a week long family vacay in February and a couple’s weekend trip in early March, and decided to allow myself a glass or two a night but no more and not every night. I planned ahead of time, loosely, how much I would drink and then stuck with that. And I felt great and very proud of myself at the end of those trips. In fact, the night that I allowed myself a little more than just a glass I felt irritable and crabby and ended up snapping at my friend and realized it was the alcohol. Was it worth it? Did I have more fun on the night I had more alcohol? No, the opposite was true. When I came home from that trip it was roughly the same time that my sister came home from a trip with her couple friends as a fairly newly divorced woman and I knew she had also talked about giving up alcohol for a longer period of time so I texted her on a bit of a whim asking if she would give it up for 6 months with me and she said yes! Holy mackerel! I looked on the calendar and realized if we started that day the end date would be September 14th. That meant we would be alcohol free all Summer! What the What did I just sign up for? I was kind of scared and excited at the same time. It felt like a real challenge, more so than I wanted to admit that it should be. It scared me how much anxiety, but also excitement, I had about it. Not as much about just the lack of alcohol itself. I had already been dry except my two trips since January 2nd and been enjoying it and was reluctant to drink again. No, my anxiety was mostly social anxiety. 6 months was harder to explain to people. It didn’t feel as socially acceptable. I started to become aware of all my thoughts about it. The voice in my head started to sound louder and like another person. A little devil on my shoulder, so to speak. I have since named her “Martha”. Short for Martha Focker from “Meet the Fockers”. Martha asked pertinent questions like “what if people assume you have a problem with alcohol?” Or, “what if people think you are judging them?” “What if they don’t want to invite you on fun trips? Out to dinner? Girls night out? Will friends think you are less fun to be around or that you are judging them? What happens when/if you decide to drink again at some point? Will they think you are weak or a hippocrite? Or that you just fell off the wagon?” I mean the questions went on and on and on. And they weren’t without merit. I did get some interesting reactions from people. My husband mostly just wanted to know that I wasn’t going to start judging him or get in the way of his right to drink or slow us down socially. He would basically say “stay in your own lane” and put his hand up in my face whenever I started to talk about my reasons for doing this experiment in too much detail. As for friends, my good girlfriends (most of them) were pretty supportive and would say how “good” I was and how they wished they could do it, etc… I did get one friend who snickered on two social occasions when someone told her I wasn’t drinking and she didn’t realize I was there. (Flash forward to end of this year and she told me recently that she was not drinking, although I suspect it was to get her already fat free body ready for a trip to Mexico with another family. No judgement, though! We are all on a quest to look and feel our best. I get it!). Other comments from good friends (the guys) were “I like you better when you are drinking” (kidding, I would like to believe) to which I really wish I had the reply “I like you better when I’m drinking!” but it didn’t come to my head until later in the night. Moment gone. Darn! I was really looking forward to pulling that one out and acting like I am super quick witted but he has been very supportive ever since. Rats! Truly, most people have just been curious and supportive. And I have had a few that I have inspired to drink less. It actually feels amazing but also is a little bit of pressure because (flash forward to present day) now I have been having the occasional glass of wine or cocktail and I almost feel a bit awkward drinking around the people that say I have inspired them to drink way less. It is really keeping me honest and intentional about how I am adding it back in to my life. Did I mention that I have been hypothyroid my whole life and fairly stable on my prescription dose for years and years other than post pregnancies blips but this year my dose has been decreased several times to the point where my doc thinks I eventually may not need it? Wow! So there’s that reason to keep staying dry. What if I add alcohol back and have to increase my dose again? Kind of a bummer and it would mess with my metabolism and sabotage my weight loss goals. Now that I am facing a new year and it’s January 2nd, which is the same time I really started this experiment in the first place, I need to make an intentional decision. Am I going to continue this experiment in 2019? I already know I am doing the cleanse on January 4th (which has caused me to justify drinking a bit more this Holiday!) but what will I do when it’s over? I wish I had started this blog this time last year simply to document the chatter in my head from “Martha” and also the funny, weird and supportive reactions that I received from friends not to mention all the books and blogs I read last year that really helped me stay true to my goal. This is my chance to document all the social and internal noise around this issue and some of the interesting things I have learned about addiction (of all kinds) over last year. These are things I want my kids, family and friends to know but nobody really wants to hear this stuff because, let’s face it, we are really brainwashed in our culture around alcohol and food (mostly sugar). Stay tuned…